| In Remembrance |
[Jul. 12th, 2009|10:10 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | life | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Utada Hikaru - Take 5 | ] |
The difficult phase is over. I have come to terms with reality and is letting whatever that had happened for the whole of this week to set in. It was sure one helluva week, one of the very worst I have experienced in my life. Though his collapse came quite sudden, it was not a total shock as he already had a blood clot in his brain from the previous stroke he had. That made a time bomb in his head. The only thing was that we had not expect it to come so soon.
What really drained me out was the anticipation of the outcome. On one side of the coin, I wished desperately for miracle to happen, and even went to google up on articles about miracles that happened to people who have been declared 'brain dead' but recovered. On the flip side, we hoped that my uncle would leave peacefully without letting things drag any longer so that he would not experience any unnecessary pain, and neither will this continue to torture us emotionally. It was especially painful to look at how devastated his wife was. We were all at a lost on what to hope for during the time he was declared to be brain dead.
On the 9th July 2009, 21:18, my beloved uncle left us peacefully. No struggle, no surgery scars, no nothing. I was told that he looked like he fell into a sound sleep, except that it was for eternal. My parents and I did not manage to rush to the hospital in time, but it was a relief to know that he was surrounded by his wife and many of his wife's relatives when he left. Finding it pointless to head for the hospital anymore, we went to my grandma's house to break the news to her. I thought my dad or mum gonna do it when we reached, but ended up both of them headed straight to my late grandfather's altar and my mum was too badly choked from crying. Without my parents telling me, I knew that the responsibility had fell upon me. I have no idea how to describe the load of this responsibility. Somehow, I managed to break the news to my grandma and could not feel any more relieved that my grandma did not collapse upon hearing the news, in fact, she took it in more calmly than I had expected.
My dislike towards growing up has increased by another notch.
Before the closing of the coffin, I had the chance to take one last look at him. Indeed, he looked as if he was sleeping, with the facial expression he always had when I saw him taking his afternoon nap at my grandmother's house.
During the wake, my mind was mostly taken up by the reminiscence of my uncle. I regretted for feeling a little annoyed when he randomly called me up when I was playing my games. I regretted for not treating him to more boxes of chocolates with macademia nuts that he loved so much. I regretted for not treating him to a round of movie that he had always teased me about and trying to 'extort' from me over the phone call. I regretted for not taking more initiative to call him up just to ask what he was doing like he always did for me. I regretted for not calling him up to have more music sharing session, though most of the time it ended up with both of us thrashing each other's idols. I deeply regretted for taking his presence for granted, thinking that he would be around many years down the road.
Regretting alone will not improve the situation. I have to start taking actions, bearing in mind whatever he had lectured. One of the least I could do is to complete my diploma with decent results and move on to degree to do my uncle proud as he had always lectured me to study well and not to follow his footsteps when he was young. When he heard that I had chosen and more or less settled with Optometry, he felt happy for me and went on to book a free pair of spectacles with me that I'll soon be making.
At this point of time, I am still in quite a disbelief that my uncle has moved on to another world. Last Monday he was still joking around at my grandma's house about what was the real reason leading to Michael Jackson's death. My aunt told me he said that it was because MJ had grabbed his crotch with too much strength and "OWWWWW!". The whole of last week seem to have been part of a TV serial drama. It felt like he's still around, and is probably at his home right now slacking away, and I might be receiving another random call from him tomorrow night. But I get slapped back to reality soon after I imagined his presence, well-knowing that the last call from him ever was 4th July, 21:25.
He might have been really bad tempered during the years when I was younger, until my grandfather's death changed him, from a wild tiger tamed till he was like a domesticated cat. My youngest aunt told me that my generation was lucky to have to the chance to joke around with him as his siblings never dare to have the audacity to joke with him simply because of his temper, and the 'big brother' front he was putting up most of the time. We were indeed fortunate to see the joker side of him most of the time. Thanks to his determination to change after my grandfather's death, he tore away the barrier and bonded much closer to most of us since then, and even began to chat with his younger brother that he almost never talked to since a huge quarrel/fight they had during their teens (he was in the wrong mainly, but his stubbornness and pride deterred him from talking to his younger brother).
Since the day I had memories, he was the first person that I know of to have tattoos. Perhaps that's the reason why I was not as intimidated by tattoos. Also from him, I listened to songs of rock genre and even heavy metal when I was only about 5 or 6 years old, though I knew nuts of the explicit lyrics, except knowing that there were a lot of rockers' screaming, guitars' screeching and wild drumming. In hindsight, he had more influence on me that I thought initially. I have to say I'm kinda proud of the weird music taste he had somehow cultured in me.
I am sad, not to the point of feeling devastated as I know that he is very much in peace, but from missing him and his randomness and the random prank calls that I'll never get from him. My emotion has more or less stabilised by now as all the cryings and mournings had pretty much been poured out during the funeral. Talking about him with my family members have helped quite a lot and the family's closeness during this difficult time made it easier to get through.
Dearest Ah Gu 舅舅, I'll always remember your cheeky smile and laughter and the lectures you had given to me. |
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chipper
